reality

Couldn't update the blog, couldn't be truth to myself, couldn't find words describing my ownself.

Just want to let you know, I followed your progress, dont know bout you doing the same too, but if you did read this, I just want to let you know

I never left, but I just locked myself at a very dark corner where very little people can come close to me anymore, if you want to look for me, you'll know where to find me.

in the dark.

and they say...

Its been a while since I last blog wei,

Time to update bit bout my life before this blog turns to some klik sini klik sana dapat sampai sini portal.

Niways life's decent to me, I've been decent, good boy remains, change my ways, live my life here and there. Workaholic they say ? I guess its that way now.

Still alive doing so bloody many things in a time, prioritize was the advice given, just do it was the methodology taken, and walls ... way too farking many walls are the things i 've been hitting.

In the end, glad I'm still around to bull here and there, but most of all am calling all long lost buddy recent lost biatches, just called dude and dudettes, msn list heng dais, mana lah you all wei, yiujingchai here turned to yiujing loe to yiu guai d wei work work work stress wei bila bawak gua pigi minum, jalan jalan, movie movie, kacau amoi, kacau abang in the middle of the night, burn some rubbers, round some police blocks, midnight trips....


ANjuah banyak back to square root shietz, I am standing here looking at you stoned, how are you? How have you been? I wish you all the best aights for those who's doing their own things, stressing their own stuff now, God bless everyone, in the same time pray a lil for me too, I think I'm at the brink of destruction...

A lil bit about me by a quiz

Your view on yourself: You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

From:
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

wondering...

Was listening to Forever Love, still listening to, wondering how would it be if I were the one playing the piano in the mtv...

Was packing my clothes to Phuket in few hours time, saw my the couple shirt I used to couldnt fit into, but now its a bit too loose, wondering what would happen if I was still wearing it on the 14th of Feb...

Was checking my facebook, and msn list, used to use them often with messages from everyone here and there, was wondering is it could be that I've changed or friends no longer messages...

Was at a business award function just now from 8 pm to 12 am, met a lot of people, was wondering could this be where I would be in 3 years time...

Was in a coat, wearing a tie, got my haircut, total corporate makeover, wondering if this is what everyone said the changes i've gone thru...

Wondering if the stars at Thailand would be different and will I forget you like how I've tried to leave every second of my life but failed...

And I wonder why do I still feel so lonely and unhappy despite the fact I will be going for our company trip in few hours time...

LOL AND I WONDER again ...

Forbidden Love

Forbidden love,

We were always friends, no matter what happened since we were young until we start our steps into the real world. Meeting new friends, seeing new things and growing up are what we couldnt stop being in as individual.

I tried to stop time, I tried to let go, forget about what everyone said, stop listening to my heart telling me that you will go away one day leaving yourself alone again. No one could stop myself from loving you, not even myself.

I lost myself, I lost control, I fell and I hurt myself badly this time, I reached out for you every now and then, previous months. Every now and then I see again with my own eyes hearing with my own ears. I wanted it all to stop, STOP torturing me, stop tainting her image, stop polluting you. You were all I had in my life, you were one of my family, my friend, my love one, my life.

I wanted to find a job,wanted to find a life for both of us, to build a home, to build a family that no one can touch us. It was all gone in a night, in a call, in one moment. My life stopped. My heart stop beating, the second where they called it soul dead.

To you guys who called and texted, you guys were right, I lost myself, to my family, yes dad you were damn right, I'm in despair, sorrow and always doing the things that's gonna kill me one day.

But for one moment for one time, let me be. I will come back, after half a year writing this again, I know some of you will think "this guy is doing it again". I'm what I am, if you think reading this is another crap that you will add into your brain data bank. STOP READING.

Its my life, I write what I want, I'm sick, I was never well, the pictures you see always of me here and there, ya I'm living, that's one of the proof of my existence, facebook and whatever.

To my extended family, Point and Ice, you guys were always my bro, it was God that gave me a chance to know brothers like you stay by. Puchong was the end of all the fights bro, I dont want to get stab so no worries.

To Allan Wong, thank you for always being there for me bro, I guess you'll never know this cuz you never have the time to read my blog, but for once I would like to let you and the whole MALAYSIA SME brothers and sisters know that I'm grateful for everything.

For my hengdais, so high 1 jook, you guys were once my brothers, but always life changed ppl grow up things changed I'm always around but my phone no longer hears from you guys.

For you, you and only you, I read your blog, I still follow your living whatever you uploaded and whatever you wrote, I know. I didnt remove you from my friendster and facebooks and whatever purposely, but I wanted you to have a new living with no clings anymore to me, for you to be happy with Chris, for you to be happy with your bro and your family without the name Eugene anymore.

For all those that knows more than what I've typed, thank you for your time and your attention, Eugene is weak, he is never a loser, but this time I lost, I'm sick and I dont know how to get back on my knees in relationship, I'm taking a time out, drinking and smoking, doesnt only cause you back aches, it mades you bleed and your blood no longer stops that easily, mades your head always feels strange.

And to sign off, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009, I hope it would be a happy one for me too, but heck I guess working is where I belong to now, no more hengdais, no more YOU, no more Yiujing, but still I'm living. Ironic, strange but truth.

Christmas 2008

What do you see? A tree with lotsa of shiny ornaments? Or do you see what the author sees? Happy people taking picture around the big sturdy pine tree, I'm sorry I've hurt someone. I have no more ways in apologizing. I'm sorry to someone who I came in at a wrong time.

This is going to be a long Christmas, they were right, I should had leave. Away from everything and everyone. You are no longer at fault, nor am I seeking anything anymore from you. I myself am not lost, I am just seeing things in a different view. Random people reads my posts including you, YES DAD !! YOU. I'm fine take care of your health.

To those who are worried bout Eugene who drinks and smokes, I'm sorry but I just do what I do. To those who hates Eugene, I'm sorry that I've caused so much unwanted things in your life. To those who once appreciated Eugene, thank you those were my happy days. To those who are disappointed with Eugene, sorry I was not born perfect. To those who were sad these days that I've known of, sorry I was related. To those who doesn't trust Eugene anymore, sorry I've lost our trust and honesty in our friendship. To those who no longer knows Eugene, thank you officially he no longer exists. I guess back living in your own dimension is not a bad thing, at least you know you have no needs nor worries that you will hurt others again instead only yourself will be there sitting on the same spot, not thinking nor saying anything anymore.

Merry Xmas to everyone.

Rest in peace

To me myself and Eugene, for almost half a year, you've mourned, drinked, blur, stoned, sad, dissapointed and suicidal.

For almost half a year, you realised the only ones with you were your families, collegues and brothers.

But why do you still question and blame your ownself so much for losing the one and only her.

She will always be the only one, she will always be the love of my life no matter what happened. But its the last wishes to you that matters the most. I know its stupid and useless to be this way. I know its hurting everyone including myself. But the truth is, it doesnt matter how much it hurts nor how much i may be damaged. In the end, I just want to wish you happiness always with whoever it may be it doesnt concern but I'll always be by your side quietly as a guardian, a friend and someone who have shared almost his whole life so far with you.

Good bye everyone, tonight is the night I flipped and the day where I realised, I'm speechless already ...